When will my reflection show…?
When times get hard, you seem to lose yourself into the fog. You do not feel the need to live, the need to carry on industriously, the motivation to change the world goes kaput: into thin air. Life can be hard, yes. I never thought that I would have that moment of hardship this early in my life. I am usually a happy person with happy thoughts and a smile that is just radiant, but this last month has brought some new awakenings into my psyche. I am not going to bore you with the ramifications of my last month, but just know that I am more motivated to help others NOT feel the way I have felt this past month. No human being should have to go through what I went through… You know it’s funny. The movie The Soloist pops into my thoughts as I write this blog because Anthony Ayers Jr. and I are somewhat similar. Throughout the movie, he is not able to see the diasters that are occurring right outside his pupils, instead he sees a world of beautiful imaginations… beautiful people… beautiful sounds. Now I may not have a concrete disability, but the disability within myself is damning enough: I do not feel human sometimes. It’s hard.
So, I originally started this post say.. two days ago and I just couldn’t finish in time but I am glad I took the pause. I do not know how your life is going, but be known that my life is in shambles at the moment. I guess I was placing myself too high on the pedestal to even fathom how to contemplate with the issues that I am going with. I am seriously thinking of seeking a therapist to combat my bouts of intense lack of focus and for the worrysome behavior that I seem to exhibit daily. So, I will not be too open and honest with my current situations but I would love to share with you all (whomever even reads this, but at this moment I could care less) my current situations and issues that I cannot admittedly fix on my own.
Housing/Financial Trouble
Starting about three months ago, I found out some troubling news about my current living situations: WE HAVE TO MOVEI was like damn, not again. I was just getting comfortable living in a one story house. It kind of reflected onto my Sims 3 characters because I refused to let them live in a two or three story house. Anyway, to make a long story short: We are in a lovely apartment complex, and I sleep on the nice comfy SOFA… not sofa-bed but sofa and I have nothing of my own. I come home to noise, I sleep through heavy footsteps above me, and I have no finances to support my family. It sucks guys… I wake up daily wondering if I should go down that path of doing something degrading to myself and feminists just to earn some more funds for my family. I really feel helpless because I use to be able to pick them up when they have fallen and now that seems impossible to say the least. But, I need to realize that life throws you curveballs and it is up to me to hit that lovely strike and run my homerun… and baseball isn’t even my favorite sport!
LOVE LIFE
So, I finally heard from my supposed boyfriend last night. Being nonchalant as usual even though I have not heard from him in about… let’s say five FREAKING weeks. He had ways of getting in touch with me… trust me I know this and refused to and expects me to just leap to him again. NO DANG WAY MAN… in those last five weeks that he was gone I felt like myself again. When we were going through this BS before, I cried and cried and wondered what I did wrong for the silent treatment. Now, I could care less. He still hasn’t talked to me YET since yesterday and I think it’s time to let go…
SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL!
I graduate in almost a month and I cannot be happier to finish this blog post off with some good news. Despite all the tomfoolery you have read up above, I am actually doing quite well academically. I formally asked my professors for recommendations to attend UGA next fall and even have some job interviews lined up at Departmental Human Services facilities in the midlands. I cannot wait to shine through this opaque clothes that I am wearing lately. I do need to blossom and show my younger generation that even through pain and suffering there is some joy at the end of the tunnel.
So until tomorrow or whenever I decide to write again, I am quite neglectful for my baby IG, I am not going to let this bring me down. I am starting anew. I want to lose weight badly and I may even get GBypass. I am going to research and sign up for it on New Years or something. A friend of min went through it before and she looks great now. I wanna be beautiful for me… and this is a great start. If I cannot get GBypass, I may get a private trainer and train for about 10 hrs a week or something. I am SERIOUS you guys. So So Serious.
